I'm really disappointed with myself.Really.

I wished that I would not do things that will contradict to my thinking and end up feeling miserable and hapless about it.I wished that I act according to what I preached and be someone NORMAL.I wished this and that but apparently,I'm failing all these.Why?I don't think its peer influence because generally,my friends are more prudish than I am.

What caused me to have these feelings towards someone whom I thought lead an improbable lifestyle and of one which I disapprove of?I'm trying not to make it too obvious because I'm unsure about my feelings as well.Maybe I don't feel that way to that person at all and is just being over reactive about it.Sometimes I doubt over my feelings.I suspect maybe I' m not human after all but just a robot that a scientist has created 17 years ago.The difference being he accidentally/intentionally 'injected' distorted emotions in it.Thats why I would behave like this now,being so morbid and always contradicting myself.

Back to the topic,I seriously hope that the person(or victim) whom I have 'weird'(can't think of a better word to replace it) feelings to would never find out about it.I would not want to scare him/her nor do I wanna lose him/her as a friend.Moreover,I think he/she is already very contented with his/her life and I should not be a spoiler and disrupt it.I hate to be in the losing end(nobody loves it,unless you are a pure breed sadist) but I guess no matter what I do,I'll still remain as what I am now.There are things which you can't force in life,like forcing someone to like you,which is what I am trying to prevent myself from doing now.Fate and reality really caused me heavy losses,in terms of emotional well being and time.When you are in my state of mind,you will find yourself doing and thinking of really stupid things which are not worth mentioning.

I'm starting to dislike myself.I think I have a rubbish and distorted mind.I succumb too easily to negative temptations,things that I don't really see or experience.Am I trying to break free from my current lifestyle?Why is it that I would have such thinking?Do I like him/her just because I find him/her 'unusual' and someone whom I don't often meet?Does that translate to love?What is love?So many questions in a vexed and tired soul.I'm ashamed of myself.I thought it will just be fun but in the end,I can't control my mind.Love at first sight is so crap!I hope I don't make it too obvious now because I got no intentions whatsoever to let him/her know about it.I'm afraid that one day when he/she know about it,he/she would avoid me forever.Even if he/she doesn't,well,the friendship would not be as close as before.That's how sad life can be.Rejections,how I hate it!

Pity me all you want,I've never thought I will behave this way.If you ask me 1 week ago whether I will like/him,my answer will be a firm 'NO'.I wished I've never agreed to 'blah blah blah'(can't really tell you in detailed).I'll just be contented living my simple and ordinary lifestyle,doing homework,mugging,gossiping about others etc.Now I think I'm exaggerating this issue.Haiz,I really think too much nowadays.Guess my ice queen image can't be maintained any longer.

I felt much better after typing an email to Flo about this issue.Hmm,wonder whether she will be harsh in her reply?My oh my,am I really Patricia?Hope I'm really exaggerating about this matter and forget about it soon.It is just not healthy ba.Hope this entry is not too obvious.I will die if anything happens.